I keep scrolling through instagram for hours making sure I don’t heart anything.. because why would i? I screenshot a gazillion images of self-love and happiness quotes because Instagram doesn’t let me save them.. That bitch.
And all of this effort to what? To crop them and put, oh so many statuses...
Why? Because I am a self-proclaimed preacher on this matter. But do I practise it?
Removing profile pictures when in despair instead of talking about the issue, has been my mechanism a few too many times..
"Too many than I’d like to admit."
Why am I pushing the image of #goodvibesonly to the extent that I am in constant denial of my real emotions.. Worry, anxiety, sadness, rejection and what all do we have here..
At this point of time, all the 4 things I mentioned above are in my head.. waiting to burst out like a pressure cooker, but do I show it ? Hell no..!! It’s easier for me to obscure it with so many distractions than come face to face with them. Instead, I put up some crappy status describing what I should feel, or how it works out in the end.. or just an indirect snark, so that
The person who should know, knows...
But I find it so impossible to confront, show my vulnerability.. Mostly I put the happy quotes to show I’m unaffected in any way.. I’m telling others or I’m trying to comfort myself, I am not sure.
And I carry on.. unaware, that not feeling what I feel.. keeping it suppressed is making things worse.. It has its own repercussions.
Shoving things under the rug has been my speciality since ages. Or as far as I can remember. Be it as big as a traumatic childhood experience that haunts me till date or as little as the gift my sister broke. You can find it all there. Well maintained and preserved on fingertips. Playing an essential role in what I am today, how I deal with things.. Hey, it’s not all bad.. But it’s not half as good even.
Maintaining that I’m fine, things are good, is the easy cut (or so I believe) through the maze. I may do it once, but I cannot do it all the time. It’s not feasible. A make-believe scenario is not going to help me always.
After countless denials, some big reality checks, and dreadfully seeing what’s what, I realised that everything comes in a full circle. It’s a process.. and I need to trust the process. Acknowledgement of those feelings is the first step.
Unless I find what’s broken I cannot fix it.
It does not matter whether those are right or wrong, I cannot know for sure, but to be able to overcome it, I gotta face it first. Giving myself the space, and allowing to coming to terms that what I am feeling is in fact valid.
Coming to the next step, letting that feeling engulf me. It is not wrong. If I’m hurt, I’m allowed to feel hurt. If I’m sad, I’m allowed to feel sad. Whatever it is, I’m allowed.
Sulking over my failed relationship, or the promotion that I was rejected is good. To cry it all out. What’s not good is not letting it out and getting to see bits and traces of it everywhere for a long long time.
Going through this tunnel paves new routes every time. I get to see all shades of me, emphatic, kind, inhumane.. you name it. I’m not all sugar.. but
As long as I have my spices in check, it’s fine..
Pretending to be happy always, not giving a shit takes a toll on you. It is not possible to be unaffected by anything and everything unless of course, you’ve attained Nirvana.. the chances of which are unlikely.
Humans are the only species with the capability and capacity to logic, reason and think. We need more than just food and water to survive. So why are we trying so hard to tip-toe on hardcore happiness while what we should have done in the first place was to let ourselves be... Unless we do that, we will never have closure.
Your closure does not involve any one other than you. When You finally come to terms with the events and appreciate yourself for making it through or forgive yourself for doing something terrible(maintaining that you're not a creature of This habit), realise its gravity and not let it affect your whole life, then only you can move on.
Maintaining that it’s under control is fine.. it helps. But it’s not the solution. Atleast not for me, it might help me reassuring that it’ll be alright but it will not be my modus operandi anymore.
After years of struggling, I finally came to terms that happiness is not a goal that I’ve to achieve, but it’s an ongoing process. It’ll come and go.
Saving and putting up the screenshots is not too shabby, if I truly feel so. It might keep my mind off of things but taking my time to process the emotions and deal with them would enable me to create a path for myself, where co-dependency does not exist. I am now taking things slowly and processing the emotions and giving myself time and just breathe.
Stay still. Lay low. Just let things be.
It works wonders.
Having said that, Am I happy right now?
Cannot say, still navigating.
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