July 2021 believe.. The last time I took out my laptop and wrote something like I used to. I did write a few things in between, however, it was for the sole purpose I needed a breather and believe I still do..
It's an overwhelmingly daunting task for me to muster out the courage and somewhat resuscitate what I had started out for the pursuit of my sanity and peace.
August 1, around 2 AM. I got a call that my father had passed away. It was a call which shook the entire core of my being and I have not been able to regain since.
I was in utter disbelief, shock and disgust, more so because I had talked to him the very same night.. more so because I had met him the very same week.
It was an unnatural numbing feeling that I never had before and didn't know what to do with it. I instantly got up, told... informed my flat mates, and started to pack. I still called a few people just to make sure no one was pulling a ridiculous prank. Getting a vague answer from everyone I had called, I concluded that it had indeed happened.
My flat mates were incredibly kind and helped me, while I was still trying to fathom this feeling. I was numb.
I remember forcing myself to great lengths to cry.
Looking back, I realise it might have been the urge to not believe that something like this could happen, crying would have been a form of acceptance that my father was no more. My father, after all, was man who, I believed, was incapable of such things, until he was not.
Everything was a blur for a while after that. We made an overnight journey via road as it was the fastest one. It took approx. 12-13 hours to reach home but it felt like an eternity. A few people here and there to check on things but I remember talking to my nephew at regular intervals.
Unable to manage my emotions at 30, I still can't imagine him being able to process this at 13. No one in the world loved him more than Papa.
We were the last ones to reach. The family was waiting for us to reach so they could start the rituals.
A lot of people were worried about me as I was the crybaby of my family. Meanwhile, the only thing on my mind was my family and the question, 'What would Papa want? What would he do?'. So, I did not cry.
A simple decision it was. But this simple decision took the strength and courage of all my life's existence to follow through. To not cry while bidding goodbye to my father. It's just what Papa would have deemed correct. My father was afterall, the strongest person I'd ever seen.
All the rituals were carried out for the next thirteen days. We did it to the best of our capabilities.
My father was far from perfect. He had flaws. He was an opiniated person, who would call people's nonsense and tell them without an hesitation. He never felt the need to be liked by anybody (at least he made us believe that). He always cribbed about money. He was loud. And stubborn. He would never compromise even if it came at the cost of relations. He made some terrible decisions. However, he always followed through. The repercussions of it all.
But he was also the most self assured person I've ever seen. He never compromised on his principles. He was very straight forward. Not once had I seen him being vague in his answers. His work ethics were and will be epitome for all my life. Come hail, rain or snow, he would be in office by 10:00. Doing something. I've never seen him idle.
After his passing, we had some big decisions to make. Decisions we had never worried ourselves with earlier. My wedding was in 3 months.
It was what I call the bittersweet moment of my life. I was getting married to the love of my life but my father was not there to witness it. He'd talked to Deepak many times but he never met him.. Something I'll dread my whole life.
My father had a habit of making his presence felt wherever he went. While I had his photo at all the events, there is one moment I'll never forget. The engagement was a very small event and was held at my cousin's house. While it's extremely unlikely to rain in November, I remember the exact moment Deepak and I exchanged the rings, it drizzled. My sister and I looked at each other and smiled and just uttered, 'Papa..' It was Papa making his presence felt, rather establishing it.
After his death, the drama that ensued took a toll. I'm still not sure whether it happened since my father passed away or it was always there and Papa took it all alone. If my mother is the pillar holding this house together, my father was the rock solid foundation. The most solid I've ever seen, or have come to realize in his absence.
I've seen life throw hardships at him literally at every point, but his is the strongest spine I've ever seen. It never broke, even at age of 15 when my grandfather had passed away and he had to give up his education in order to be the bread earner of the family. He'd go to work having some salt and water just to be able to bring food to the table. Probably the reason why he cribbed about money, he'd seen life without it.
He'd survived all the difficulties and adversaries and stood tall, he'd even survived two heart attacks.. he couldn't survive the third one.
Whenever I'd go or come from anywhere he would be the first person I'd see, he'd always be in his office.. Infact he'd be the first person everyone would see. With his curious laugh he'd ask, 'Kahaaan?' and conversations would start.
The door stands closed now.
Getting back to normal life is a daunting task and we're still trying to find our way around it.. Most of my days are manageable, but more often than not, I curl up like a ball and cry for hours, being angry, sad.. emptying myself, just for it to be filled again.. While I believe this process will never end.. It might slow down, and even though it's inevitable, the absence of my father is a pill I'll never swallow.
Tomorrow is his birthday, he would be 63.
It's been one and a half years since we lost him. It was so sudden, we never got a chance to prepare ourselves even. We still aren't. While we miss him terribly every single day we are still dealing in our own individual ways, we just hope that we are doing justice by the principles he believed in, roles he played, responsibilities he took, and so much more. He was and always will be the strongest force of nature I've ever witnessed. I miss him terribly. But the one thing I pray is for him to be peaceful and happy. I strongly believe that all the struggles of his future lives have been dealt with in this one itself.
Papa was one person who always focused on what's next, rather what to do next. He never had loose ends, peacefully or not, he made sure that those ends were tied.
I had never seen him dwell, he made sure of that.
While I don't think that this breather has been sufficient for me, I do feel he would not want me to dwell. To dwell on his absence, instead celebrate the presence that he had in our lives, the established presence that he will always have.
Happy Birthday Papa.
You're missed everyday.
You'll be missed everyday.
You're celebrated everyday.
You'll be celebrated everyday.
Yours Halbal.
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