Let it go..?

“ Screw it, I’m done.!”

One of the many things on my mind right now..

I never thought when I’d be an adult I’d have to worry about such things.. During school & College, sure.! It would be an understatement to say that I had my share of relations crisis.. Infact, I had everybody’s fair share of crisis.. A spat here, a grudge there.. a magnanimous bit of overthinking along with Macbeth’s spell, “Double, double toil and trouble” and Voila.! A perfect blend of relationship crisis with a hint of an existential one. Why existential you ask? Well, I’m the kinda person who questioned everything even at a little bit of inconvenience....

Correction, I still do.

Anyways, I always took it as a rite of passage, something I believed I had to go through before I could see flying colors coming out of my ass in the form of a rainbow,i.e., a few good worthy relationships with life to trust on.. No more petty issues, no more “you didn’t call me” or “it’s not working out”. I thought, ”hey, it’ll all be good”, I thought things would work and that I wouldn’t have to worry about it.

But boy was I wrong.

If anything, I think more now.. the magnanimous has turned into Mt. Olympus now. One big reason being.. this was not the plan.. why is it not working out.. it was supposed to work out. I should not be worrying about such things now.. but here I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have a few good relationships in my life... And I do plan on taking those till grave...I just didn’t think I’d have to worry about them so much.. well.. some of them..

I don’t end relations.. that’s not me.. I always feel that if you really want to make things work or if you believe that it won’t matter in further five years.. then it’s worth at least giving a shot right? But sometimes, I do feel like I’m at an impasse and there’s nowhere to go.. I wonder whether all this is worth the pain.. the closer the relation, more hurtful it is.. I lose my appetite, I lose my sleep, so many things feel wrong, all at one moment.. then a thought enters,” Screw it, I’m done.!”

Right now is one such moment for me.

But, as easy as it sounds.. it’s impossibly hard for me.. I cannot just end a relation.. let alone a good one. Efforts have been put, sacrifices and compromises have been made, understanding, secret jokes, secrets.. so many things...

Just because we’re at a crisis, I cannot make this whole relation one such thing..

There must be a reason why it was what it was.. there must be a reason why we held on to it for so long...When you have issues, you get to know the real person.. and by that I mean, their not so lovable side.. Bad times are a good judge right?

The easy fun question I usually ask myself is if I’d like to kill them, and would I miss them if I do so.. And if the answer to the latter is yes.. I’d like to hold on to them.. LOL.

But in all reality, I try to hang on to the good part in them because guess what I’m no Prize either. Sometimes, it’s unbelievably hard but isn’t that the true test? No relations are all fun.. there is some bitterness here and there along the way, but is that bitterness the perfect balance or it’s ruining the whole damn thing is a question to be asked. And I’ve asked this a lot of times.. Didn’t know that I’d be asking it still.

Sure, I’ve given up on relationships as well.. but I do give more than my 100% in salvaging it.. I’m not just willing to meet you halfway, I can go the whole nine yards.. but make sure you’re worth the efforts.. and if you’re not.. then boy you’re dead to me. There are no comebacks whatsoever.

Like I said, I’d take it to the grave.

Dwindling with such emotions and paranoia, nothing else is on my mind.. I try to hide it.. but my face is a big spoiler alert.. it gives away every time. At one moment I’m inclined towards quitting it.. and in the others, I look back.. what all we’ve come through.. I never thought we’d make it past that, but we did.. so what’s the holdup now? That’s easy.. expectations. A battle of expectations always leads to the war of ego.. and it’s a filthy, dirty one.. which,

Even if I win, I’d still lose one way or the other..

Talking about the issues and sorting through it is such an easy solution.. then why do I feel a big lump in my throat when I open my mouth to say something. And if you’ll ask me, I’d be crying all over and still deny it tooth and nail.. maybe I am good at shoving things under the rug.. But I don’t want to do that right now.. If you ask me, I’m not going to say it doesn’t bother me when in actual it does. I am going to cry.. that’s a definite.. but I’d also like to talk.. even if it is less sentence and more sobs...

I read somewhere, that you should forgive a person not for them.. but for yourself.. it might not even matter to them... they might not realize it as well.. but still you should.. as long as you hold it in you.. it’ll eat you inside.. you should forgive because it matters to you.. because you realize the problem.. because you don’t want to be resentful.. maybe that’s what I ought to do now..

Forgive.. it seems to be the right option.. maybe that’s why it is so hard..even if I do forgive.. I’ll need a buffer to make things normal again... maybe long maybe short.. who knows.. And it’s hard to forgive when there might be no acknowledgement of it at all.. but then wouldn’t it an expectation again.. to presume myself as the bigger person because I chose to forgive even though I didn’t get an apology.

What am I doing here.. getting caught in my own vicious circle of thoughts.. that drop me at the same point where I had started.. Am I really done?

Do I have it in me to forgive without making any fuss about it and not expecting anybody else to?

Whenever we make a right choice in life, we expect an award.. I do.. maybe not so much as an award but as much as a little appreciation to keep me going.. but sometimes when that choice pertains to just me.. the only tap I get on the shoulder is mine.. and I gotta live with that.. this is one of those times...

Sometimes, it’s easier to just burn the bridges.. but it’s harder to wonder later what might have been if I hadn’t given up.. and I’ve had many regrets in my life.. but I’d rather have the regret of doing something than wondering over 'what if'.

I’ll take the regret over the wonderment.

But what about the hurt? The sleepless nights? What about the pain and tinge I felt.. which just never seem to end.. it’s still there.. I was mean, you were meaner.. Tit for Tat... What about the fact that sometimes love does get hurtful.. and man it’s a real bitch. The series of questions is endless.. with one question at the end.. Why am I worrying about it still.. Wasn’t it supposed to end by now..

Maybe it still is a rite of passage... maybe in future I might not have to think about this.. but right now I do.. is it something to be salvaged or to be taken to its grave..

Do I let it go?

Ugh..