It’s 02:00 AM.
Sleep is nowhere near sight.
After having the zth cigarette I make my last cup of green tea and curl up in my bed to finish the book on my nightstand the bookmark of which hasn’t moved a page since 3 months because duh.. Financial Closing.!
I didn’t get time to freaking shave my legs, let alone finish a book.. and not just any book... it’s, wait for it... Valmiki Ramayana... How could have I finished it when the hair on my legs would itch so much that I couldn’t have anything else on my mind. Also, I swear I could have made a 1000 tiny plaits of them ... each with a different hair do (like I have that talent.!)
Anyways, March’s gone... so has the heap of work.. so have the innumerable calls causing my phone to die everyday.. so have my 5 cups of coffee & 5 cups of green tea a day because you see,
Balance is the key, pff.!
What has not gone quite yet are the sleepless nights.
Now that lockdown has struck in, there is not too much pressure.. I have time to pursue my craze of cooking as well.. Not a big fan of brooming though. Even though the work is not a lot, I have a lot to do, so by the time I usually go to bed (strictly 10:30 P.M.) I am drop dead tired.. However, sleep eludes me still. Right now, it’s avoiding and blocking me like I do with people who put captions like,’Hans mat pagali, pyaar ho jaega’.. Well,
Karmic settlement doesn’t feel so good right now LOL.
Now that there is not one thing to focus on, my mind wanders... and oh the places it goes.. 2 years from now where I am happily married, living in a superb apartment, with a killer job (the latter has already been achieved though. My job does kill me) or 20 years ago where I stupidly planned on running away from home because I felt my parents loved my elder sister more.. Thankfully, my mom found my letter before I had packed up.. phew!
I also went 23 years ago when my sister had slapped me in an amusement park because I wanted my own cold drink bottle.. But she didn’t understand,
Her highness never shares.. right.!
Or when my dad had come to pick us up from school and we went for a treat.. I tried hotdogs for the first time then.
But.... I also went to the time when I had my first period.. I ran around the whole house while my mom kept running behind me to explain it to me. I also went back to the time where I had called my sister unlovable and she cried for the whole night.. Or when someone broke up with me... or worse.. when I broke up... I went back 1 year ago when my job was chaos... to the extent that I thought of quitting.
Or yesterday, when I cried so much.. that my eyes are burning still.
Bit by bit.. one by one.. each thought creeps in my head... in a single maligned queue.. not disturbing the order..
Oh shit.. Happy Thoughts! Happy Thoughts!
This train of thoughts stops at different stations everyday. Some days its good.. some days it’s bad.. and some days it’s just.. Yeckh!
But, this insomnia.. it’s not so shabby.. Infact, lately I am kinda liking it.. Yeah sleep routine is good and all.. but this.. oh this.. it has taken me everywhere.. to my happy memories, ugly memories.. all that I wanted to relive.. and all that I DID NOT.
I’ve also made so many great comebacks now.. for arguments which happened ages ago... I’m sure all of us do it... But right now.. when all is quiet..focusing on it.. dwelling on it.. and coming out with great points..is genius.. sure, a little too late.. but I did find out one thing about me..
I am freaking hilarious.!
Ah, if only I could go back to the time and pitch my sarcasm (which in case, is on point every time now.!).. If only I could..
I also think about how I want my life to be... my passion.. to never lose my character, my kindness.. to help out.. to never seek revenge( P.S. I believe Karma would do it immaculately on its own).. my dreams.. of having a simple and happy life... my goals.. to be at the top of my game, to kill it at work instead of getting killed by it.!
Having so many thoughts.. with each individual cause & effect. Ranging from sweet n low.. to ‘my God I’m a horrible person!’, being aware of myself & the reality of being raw.. can be done so effortlessly and beautifully by late night thoughts.. You try doing it in daytime and let me know!
One single thought entered in my mind and three hours later.. Bam! I’m in a different zone.. It’s like I took a xanax and gulped it down with liquid weed.
However.. a new thought clouds my mind now.. it’s 03:00 A.M. and I have my alarm set at 07:00 A.M. Bloody Hell.!
4 hours of sleep.. Can I pull it off..?
Who am I kidding.!
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